Why do so many people settle for a mediocre relationship and a mediocre life when actually we are made for something far more divine and fulfilling than most can even dream of?
David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man was one of the first books that propelled me headfirst into this truth. What I learned from him about myself and my feminine essence has not only added a whole new dimension to my intimate relationship, but it has also changed the way I live and relate with the world around me.
The vast majority of us have either a more masculine or a more feminine sexual essence. Women also have masculine energies within them, just as men have feminine energies within them. These are 100% necessary for inner balance and our opposite energies can and should be utilized at the appropriate times. The problem is that most modern humans don’t know how to either embrace or manage their dominant sexual essence in a way that allows them to move in the world with ease and power.
Many women have overdeveloped masculine energies which cause them to neglect their feminine strengths and lose their natural radiance. They often struggle in relationships with men who end up feeling drained, disempowered, and looking elsewhere. Many men have not truly grown into their masculine core and thus lack vital energy and a sense of purpose. They often struggle in relationships with women who end up finding them neither trustworthy nor sexually appealing.
“The priority of the feminine, in men and women, is the flow of LOVE in relationship. The priority of the masculine, in men and women, is the mission which leads to FREEDOM. Ultimately, true freedom and true love are the same. However, the journey of the masculine and feminine to this unity of love and freedom is very different.”(Deida p.21)
Women FEEL everything. We move and flow with the energies around us. Our moods can be affected at the slightest environmental or inner shifts in vibration. We value and cherish the energy of love above all else, and so we are always feeling in to situations, testing the waters, particularly in our intimate relationships.
Deida claims that 90% of a woman’s emotional issues within romantic relationships ultimately stem from feeling unloved. I’ve played around with this theory myself for a few months, in my own intimate partnership, and I’ve found that feeling unloved does more often than not seem to be at the core of my emotional lows. Of course I don’t usually express this truth at the time — instead, I find many many other reasons for my moods and often try to place the blame on others. The easiest target? My partner of course. 🙂 🙁
“The feminine’s moods and opinions are like weather patterns. They are constantly changing, severe and gentle, and they have NO SINGLE SOURCE. No analysis will work. There is no linear chain of cause and effect that can lead to the kernel of the ‘problem.’ There is no problem, only a storm, a breeze, a sudden change in weather. And the bases of these storms are the high and low pressure systems of love. When a woman feels love flowing deeply, her mood can instantly evaporate into joy, regardless of the supposed reason for the mood.” (Deida p.34)
I don’t believe that the ultimate solution to a woman’s emotional lows is love from a man — I think it is ultimately love from our self — BUT, I do wholeheartedly agree with Deida when he suggests that a man can PENETRATE through a woman’s moods more effectively than anyone or anything else. A man carries this potent energy that can move in like an arrow, and whoosh. He can just snap you out of certain states in an instant. Because let’s face it, a woman’s moods are sometimes just that fickle. They can shift in a mere moment, and honestly, rational reasoning often doesn’t have a darn thing to do with it.
Deida lovingly but sharply warns men against analyzing a woman’s emotional problems like a doctor or therapist would. Instead, he suggests that first and foremost, he give her his love “immediately and unmistakably.” Later on, the couple can discuss whatever remains to be talked about. But first, the man should penetrate his woman with love using whatever means possible: look deeply into her eyes, hold her, hum her favorite song, lift her off her feet, tell her how much he adores her, and on and on. Isn’t this what all women wish their men would do when they are in a bad mood? Instead, they often try to help us analyze or fix our problem as if it were a math problem or . . . a sink.
“Asking a woman to analyze or try to fix her own emotions is a negation of her feminine core, which is PURE ENERGY IN MOTION, like the ocean. She can learn to surrender her mood to God, she can learn to open her heart in the midst of closure, she can learn to relax her edges and trust love, but she will never ‘fix’ anything by analyzing her ‘problem.’” (Deida p.36)
I’d like to make clear that we’re talking about a woman’s emotional winds here. Those gusts that come through for no logical reason. We’re not talking about the deep-seated and complex issues, fears, and problems that both men and women inevitably struggle with, and that most certainly can be observed, analyzed, and worked through.
Deida’s brilliantly sharp description of the masculine and feminine in this book helped me embrace the wondrous power of being a woman, as well as admire the splendid strength of being a man. Men (or the masculine aspect in women) soar with intensity and focus in one direction, seeking after a single goal. Once the goal is achieved, they feel free to move on to a new one. At their greatest, they have awe-some clarity of vision and navigate the various pathways of life with beautiful skillfulness. Women (or the feminine aspect in men) flow with enormous power as well, but in no single direction. They move and are moved by love, by life, and they express this deep energetic flow through their body, “uncontrolled and undirected by goals and structure.” Women are able to both envelop and embrace all that is, just like the Earth we walk on. (I wrote a post about woman, Earth, and dreams here.)
“[T]he feminine energy itself is undirected but IMMENSE, like the wind and deep currents of the ocean, ever changing, beautiful, destructive, and the source of life.” (Deida p.36)
Deida also has much to say about what a woman looks for in her man. First and foremost, it is TRUST. Trust that he can guide the relationship in the right direction. Trust that she can totally surrender and relax into love. Trust that he will not compromise his highest purpose for anything, even her.
If these ideas annoy you at first read, just try sitting with them for a moment, without resisting.
“A woman often seems to test her man’s capacity to remain unperturbed in his truth and purpose. SHE TESTS HIM to feel his freedom and depth of love, to know that he is trustable. Her tests may come in the form of complaining, challenging him, changing her mind, doubting him, distracting him, or even undermining his purpose in a subtle or not so subtle way.” (Deida p.25)
Testing. This concept blew my mind, because I finally understood why I sometimes feel energetically compelled to say certain things to my man even though I know he doesn’t want to hear it. Or to point out certain things in him even though I know he doesn’t want to see it. At times it feels like this powerful feminine archetype moves through me and begins honing in on my partner’s every lingering weakness. My warmth leaves me. My softness leaves me. I become this sort of fierce sorceress. I don’t enjoy it and neither does he. Since reading Deida I’ve become much more aware of when this energy arises. I now understand where the urge comes from and am learning to temper it with love — it’s true source.
“As you probably know, your woman is capable of being a witch, a sex slave, an Amazon, a goddess of light, a nurturing mother, a demoness, a luscious lover, a wise teacher, a wild animal, and everything in between. As a general rule, SHE WILL KEEP RETURNING TO THE ENERGY THAT YOU CANNOT MATCH.” (Deida p.81)
But ultimately, a woman wants to be able to utterly surrender and relax into her man’s love. We test so that we can feel safe enough to let go. The relationship between a man and a woman is a constant yet continually shifting wave of energy.
“It never ends. A woman will always test her man for the PLEASURE of feeling his strength in loving, his capacity to transcend nuisance, his persistence in his own truth, and his capacity to share that truth in love with her, even when she is complaining—especially when she is complaining. Her complaint is the beginning of her pleasure.” (Deida p.27)
The pleasure of those moments when we are filled with a unified love that is powerful, piercing, and takes us beyond time and space. The pleasure of those times when we witness our man breaking through a perceived obstacle with strength and grace. The pleasure of the wholeness and peace that comes with trusting in man and cosmos.
“The most erotic moment for a woman is feeling that YOU ARE SHIVA, the divine masculine: imperturbable, totally loving, fully present, and all-pervading. She cannot move you, because you already are what you are, with or without her. She cannot scare you away, because you already penetrate her in fearless love, pervading her heart and body. She cannot distract you, because your one-pointed commitment to truth will not bend to her wiles. Feeling his hugeness of love and freedom in you, she can trust you, utterly, and surrender her testing in celebration of love.” (Deida p.25)
Amen. This is what we want. To be able to surrender in sexual bliss without worry that our pleasure peak will not be reached. To be able to release the reins and trust that love is present and everything is ok. And according to Deida there is no better feeling for a man, in relation to his woman, than to do exactly that . . . to ravish her with love.
“The DESIRE TO RAVISH is the desire to break through a woman’s resistances to open her heart and body into ecstatic loving. The pleasure is in releasing her from all the conventional restraints of her psyche, so she has no choice but to surrender in love.” (Deida p.75)
There is so much more I’d like to share about Deida’s teachings, but I’ll stop here. I have not described the fantastic methods Deida offers men to put these principles into practice: to penetrate his woman’s moods, to allow her to trust him in the bedroom and in life, to live in the world with a powerful sense of meaning and purpose. If you’re interested in any of this, just read the book! (There are PDFs of it floating around if you are in a pinch.) Keep in mind this book is directed at men, but it is an amazing read for women as well.
I know that much of Deida’s material may sound “out there” to many people, especially given the out of context manner in which I’ve presented it here. But I would suggest, just for a moment, putting aside everything you believe to be true or politically correct or socially acceptable. Open your heart to these words and carry them with you for a few days, particularly when you are relating to your partner or potential partner. Feel how the energy shifts when you allow your core sexual essence to flow uninhibited. Let me know how it goes.
“There are masculine and feminine gifts in intimacy, and each gift comes with its own responsibility. The DIRECTION OF GROWTH of a relationship is primarily the MAN’S responsibility. The ENERGY of an intimacy, pleasure, sexual flow, and vitality—is primarily the WOMAN’S responsibility. A simplified way of saying this is that the man is responsible for the woman’s depth of love, or openness of mood, and the woman is responsible for the man’s “erection” or energy in the body.“ (Deida p.111)