If you’re single and enjoying meeting and dating people, this post is definitely not for you.
Keep living it up!
However, if you’re single and find yourself exhausted and often complaining about men and the “dating scene”, I hope this is helpful, gives hope, and inspires change.
To dive deeper together, welcome to join my one-day retreat on January 21 in Tel Aviv, Israel.
Self-deception: the act of purposely fooling oneself so as to hide from truth and from pain.
This is a well-practiced tactic in our lives in general, as well as in many people’s dating lives.
It is the cause of so many amazing men and women wasting time and energy with partners that don’t truly fulfill them.
For women, self-deception while dating an unavailable man can often sound like this:
Maybe he’ll change.
Translation: Maybe he’ll fall in love with me someday, even though we’ve been sleeping together for weeks/months/years and all signs show that he cannot and will not commit.
. . . This is fun.
Translation: This feels somewhat better than sitting home alone eating peanut butter.
But he’s such a good guy.”
Translation: He’s such a good guy. And I want him to choose me (regardless of our actual compatibility as partners) because then I’ll feel good and lovable too.
We have the most amazing physical connection.
Translation: We both experience great pleasure during sex (thank you, oxytocin and dopamine) . . . then the morning comes, and any chances for REAL intimacy are avoided like the plague. That’s why we only meet at night.
Whatever. This is fine for now.
Translation: I don’t want to let this go because I’m afraid no one better will come along.
The Truth Sometimes Hurts
I get it. The truth of what we REALLY believe about ourselves, the truth of how little we sometimes think of ourselves, the truth of how hopeless and alone we can feel, is freaking painful to look at head on.
And if we don’t know where to get support to help us change our beliefs, self-deception is our main technique for not falling totally into darkness and despair. It actually is our mind’s very effective way of protecting our hearts . . . until we are ready to make deep inner changes.
Here’s what I think is the cure for self-deception in dating (also applies to life, in general) . . . for those who are ready for deep inner changes:
- Be willing to feel pain. Loneliness. Self-loathing. Anger. Fear. These are just e-motions. It’s just energy in motion. It’s ok to feel it. We have been trained to numb ourselves and run from discomfort, but when you actually practice sitting with your feelings, you will learn that they are not the enemy. They carry precious information about our current mindset and whether or not we’re living our lives in alignment with our soul’s truth. When we turn off our ability to feel pain, we lose our inner compass, the deep intuitive wisdom that we were all born with.
- Realize your worth. You were BORN worthy of Life and Love. How can you know that? Because you were BORN, period. You don’t need to earn the right to walk this earth and experience Love. Once you begin the journey of seeing and feeling what a magnificent being you are, you will naturally release yourself from the endless drive to seek Love and confirmation of your worthiness from the outside. As soon as you begin to glimpse (and with patience, know more deeply) the divine Light that you are, you will not stay another MINUTE in a relationship – of any kind – that is not loving, nourishing, and moving forward in a way that feels good.
- Examine your beliefs around relationships. What do you actually believe about men? What do you believe about relationships and marriage? Who do you think you need to be in order to receive love? What are you willing to give? Are you truly open to receive? What fears do you have around intimacy and commitment? If you truly take the time to meditate and reflect on these questions, you will start to identify thoughts and beliefs that are causing pain, tension, fear, or conflict within your dating experience (and life, in general). By bringing conscious awareness to your mind – really facing it – you open yourself up to positive change.
- Fill yourself up. If you’re not living a joyful and fulfilling life on your own, what makes you think joining your life with another person will change that? True, if that other person is joyful and fulfilled, it might rub off on you . . . but why would a joyful and fulfilled person choose to be with someone who doesn’t share their positive attitude toward life? Similar vibrations align themselves with other similar vibrations. If you tend to find yourself around negative and low-vibe people, the hard truth is, it’s not a coincidence. So, take that list of all the great qualities of your ideal partner (such as, adventurous, kind, open-hearted, loving, generous, funny) and start working immediately on BEING THAT PERSON YOURSELF. Fill yourself and your life up with things that feel good. Not only will your life change drastically, you will soon find yourself attracting quality people that are worthy of your precious time and energy.
Ready to dive deeper and apply these principles to your life? On Saturday January 21, 2017, I’m leading an intimate, full-day retreat in Tel Aviv especially for single women called A Return to Love. Sign up here (3 spaces open).
About Me: I’m a Certified Life Coach, meditation and workshop teacher, and Reiki practitioner with over ten years of practice and study of Buddhism and other spiritual traditions. Orginally from NYC, I now live in Israel with my husband and cat.